Watch Out for Next Month’s Headlines

(At a shopping mall)

Ben: I still have not renewed my passport for the Jason Mraz Singapore concert next month.

Sister 1: You have been procrastinating since a month ago!

Ben: Say if I missed the renewal date, I could always ask my friend put me in the trunk and bring me in as a dead body.

Sister 1: How would you explain it to customs?!

Ben: I insisted to be buried in Singapore.

Sister 1: Are you sure you they still won’t need your passport renewed?

Sister 2: Once a person is dead, it will considered as property by the law, no longer subject to the privileges of the living.

Ben: Perfect.

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Words of Wisdom

(In the elevator: An elderly man, dad & myself)

Ben: (opens up an envelope) Aw man.

Dad: So how did it do?

Ben: It went down again.

Elderly Man: What went down?

Ben: Er… my stocks.

Elderly Man: Young man don’t you worry, success is about picking yourself up after you have fallen down. (Makes dramatic exit out of elevator).

Why do I keep attracting conversations from weirdos!

Kids These Days

(In the car)

Mum: What kind of song is this? When do they start singing?

Ben: It’s House music, there’s no singing.

Mum: House music? Are those like music played at home?

Ben: Actually they are played more in clubs.

Mum: Shouldn’t they be called “Club” music then?

Ben: Mum, I don’t question how your Carpenters and Air Supply derive their names.

Mum: You’re right. Who produced this song?

Ben: Dead Mouse.

Pick Up Line

(On our way to family brunch)

Sis: Do you court girls in the club?

Ben: Well I try to but seems like my pick up line has always been greeted by cold shoulders.

Sis: What exactly do you say to them?

Ben: “Why don’t you and I go back to a more conducive mating environment so I may fertilise your eggs and create life in that oh so healthy hips of yours.”

Sis: No wonder you get turned down, women want something more long term. Work on that.

Ben: “Then I shall work really hard to send that life in your hips to college, buy us a house, two cars and a proper burial ground for our corpses.”

Sis: Better.

Doughnut Holes

(While queuing at Big Apple)

Ben: Dude, I think I know how the holes in doughnuts came about.

Friend: Yeah?

Ben: Once there was this horny baker-

Friend: STOP!!